Friday

Yeah. I’ve got nothing.

Saturday

Saturday! Now Saturday I actually did some shit. In an effort to expand my capabilities at Bugs & Cranks I learned how to create an animated GIF, which is a digital image that moves. For example, this is a GIF (I pronounce it gif, like gift, but other weirdos say jif. Freaks). It is also how I felt after accomplishing my feat.

Seriously, I was that excited. You can find that post here.

As I previewed on Thursday, Orange County artist Sam Carter’s DUOS pop art gallery opened. My wife and I met Sam, his bride and a few friends at the Velvet Lounge (VLVT) in the Santa Ana Arts District. It’s a gay bar/lounge and night club with some damn fine food and a kick-ass happy hour. I threw down three $3 whiskey/Cokes. As my first gay bar experience, I can say that the only noticeable difference was that the number of glory hole jokes spiked drastically.

Over at F+ Gallery a food truck parked outside what looked like a condo or loft with an open garage stuffed with Sam’s DUOS art, a crowd and some more booze. Dos Equis in the green bottle for just a tip? Don’t mind if I have three. The pop art collection adorned the walls and I picked up this piece, from my favorite movie Pulp Fiction.

From there we met friends at the Irvine Improv to catch Jay Mohr’s 9 p.m. comedy show. He killed it. I love it when comedians go up there without a plan, and just let the crowd drive them. My lame-ass started nodding off in the middle of a long bit about how Mohr hates musicians talking during concerts. WHO DOES THAT? IT’S A LIVE COMEDY SHOW, AND IT’S FUNNY, AND I CAN’T KEEP MY EYES OPEN. F me.

Our friends and my wife grabbed some pictures with Mohr while I secured a patio table at the Yard House. Naturally I was wide awake to split a pastrami sandwich. I hate me.

Sunday

My buddy Ian and I sat through the Angels’ third straight loss to the Houston Astros. For those of you that don’t realize that magnitude of shittiness this means, let me spell it out. The Astros are the worst team in the American League. The only other team in baseball worse than the Astros is the Miami Marlins. And the only reason they’re worse is because they have the worst owner in baseball, traded all but one of their good players to the Toronto Blue Jays and pretty much field a Triple-A minor league team.

Yet the Angels are off losing three in a row to the FUCCCKKKINNNNGG Astros. It’s the Astros. I will put it in perspective for those of you that watched Dancing With the Stars. The Angels are like gold-medal winning Olympic gymnast Alexandra Raisman. She had all the tools to win but couldn’t put it together. And she’s a sexy competitor. But she finished fourth. The Astros are like Wynonna Judd. Pure country, completely boring and no skill. Now, imagine Wynonna beating Ali head-to-head in a ballroom dancing competition. Okay, expand that brain-cramping exercise to three-straight wins. STAY WITH ME. Don’t fall out of your chair. This is the domain I live in. And the Astros will likely win tonight to make it four in a row. Fmylife.com.

We walked around Angel Stadium to grab some sandwiches and came across the season seat holder wall (unofficial title). We are now gold members. Which has absolutely zero perks. In 2032 we’ll be promoted to the next level. Hopefully one with a wheelchair ramp.

mother hell

I’m typing this on Sunday night. My wife from an alternate universe just Tweeted this:

Holy Mother of F. I have nothing quippy or cool to say re: Game of Thrones. I’m shattered. #GoT

— Elizabeth Banks (@ElizabethBanks) June 3, 2013

 

Fifteen minutes later my buddy Brandon IM’d me that it was the greatest Game of Thrones episode of all time.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!! If you haven’t watched Sunday’s episode, don’t read beyond this GIF. Stop here, enjoy the dragons, watch the episode and then come back and read the rest.

Game of Thrones Shiznit

• I’ve never played chess, but bring me those awesome pieces the Starks used to strategize and I will Bobby Fischer your shit, sir.
• I really need a bigger TV. This 32-incher ain’t cutting it (that’s what she said…if she was a blue whale).
• I also want my own wolf.
• Oh shit John Snow left his ginger.
• Ever feel like watching this show is like watching a hockey game? Petyr Baelish (Little Finger, the shady guy that counsels the King and runs a brothel) might as well be a defensemen for the Toronto Maple Leafs. And when they start fighting, it’s as hard as tracking a puck. Who’s who? Let’s mix it up, shirts and skins, or green vs hot pink?
• That Stark relative (again, no idea on a name) forced to marry won the medieval Powerball compared to his bride’s sisters.
• A sword needs a sheath. Best euphemism.
• And wtfffffff is with the bedding ceremony custom? Really? Congrats on getting married, now have sex with everyone at the party? YES, IT IS STRANGE, ROB STARK! Make a new tradition. OF NOT DOING THAT.
• Holyyyyyyyyyy ambush ohhhhhhh shiittttttt that just happened?? OHHHH SHITTTTTT.

I jumped online immediately after the episode to discuss with Brandon.

Seth: finished watching it
Brandon: Nice day…for a red wedding?
Seth: fucking brutal
Brandon: Surprised my wife didn’t get all butt hurt
Brandon: I thought it was awesome. What made The Wire awesome.
Brandon: No one…safe…ever.
Brandon: No matter how central they seemed
Seth: yes
Brandon: Pretty bummed we never got to see Jeyne naked but once.
Brandon: I enjoyed it the only time!
Seth: I’m so bad with the names. Which is Jeyne?
Brandon: Robb Stark’s wife
Seth: I thought we did
Brandon: Only one time
Brandon: I wanted more
Seth: greedy bastard
Seth: stop shaving so you can end up looking like that wildling with the big red beard
Brandon: Unfortunately
Brandon: I am clean shaven
Brandon: I shaved a couple weeks ago
Seth: That’s what I’m saying
Seth: I told you to stop shaving.
Brandon: 9.5 years
Brandon: Clean shaven now

Brandon: Also

Brandon: Emilia Clarke
Brandon: Should be naked each and every episode
Brandon: And I will do my best to not be bitter that Seth McFarlane bangs her
Seth: yeah it’s bullshit when she’s not
Seth: And I have a fair offer: dragons or nekkid. I’ll take one or the other.
Brandon: That is my ONLY gripe of the show
Brandon: Is that we go 2-3 episodes
Seth: At least some Seth is getting her.
Brandon: Without seeing characters
Seth: My only gripe is not enough draggons.
Seth: and going one episode without b00bz
Brandon: My wife downloaded the books tonight
Brandon: So she will be a spoiler nerd now
Brandon: Yeah I think this is the 2nd episode this season without boobs
Seth: way too many
Brandon: Last time the next episode had lots of boobage though

You get the gist. Remember…men are pigs.