Self-Conscious Much?

Unknown artist

Unknown artist

I’ve struggled writing a post to go with this illustration. I have a poor self-image. I’m very self-conscious. It’s pretty bad. It’s why I like booze. My anxiety and social fears wash away with the beer or whiskey. When I drink I feel more charming and confident than George Clooney trapped on an island of only women.

But I identify like hell with this cartoon and wanted to share it.

So, a couple of things for ya…

1. Feel free to leave lots of comments. If something I wrote made you smile, let me know. Tell me if a post touched you. Share your own experiences with all seven of my readers. If you’re feeling shy, fire off an email.

2. Stop sniffing my butt when you’re behind me on the stairs.

UPDATE: My wife just emailed me her response to this post:

…read your post, seems very depressing and the whole first point seems like you want people to like your site as a validation that they like you…maybe on sad days we should skip blogging…

To clarify, I’m not looking for ball washing. I just know it’s easier to read and take away then to leave a comment. My point is that comments really do matter, so if you’re impacted in any way by something, let me know. It makes a huge difference.

Secondly, I am sad. I ran out of Welbutrin and took a few days off of my anti-depressant cocktail as a result. Holy crap that didn’t work out so hot. I’ve spent the last 48 hours on the verge of rage, tears and social withdraw. I EVEN BLEW OFF HAPPY HOUR LAST NIGHT. That’s a dark place, people.

But I feel like things are starting to turn around. Maybe tomorrow I actually won’t feel like using a brick to re-arrange anyone’s face.

18 thoughts on “Self-Conscious Much?

  1. I love you Seth…you are real…..THAT is what makes you so charming! I have this powder that i found at the hardware store….it is called Monkey Butt….I am going to get you some ……..just because …’s fun…… you….

  2. There is not one person that would believe you shouldn’t be sad. How could you not be? I’m not giving you a ball washing. This is what makes me smile, and, consequently what should make you smile, too:
    When Kristina laughs so hard she is red and wiping tears away but STILL doesn’t make any sounds. When Ellie makes that surprised face just to please the person that is begging her to do it. When Gray is playing in his own little world. He is a rockstar, after all. And Jax’s little chin. I don’t know why I’m so in love with that little chin, but I am. I’m proud of you for being able to write down your feelings. Even if it is for 7 people. I wouldn’t be able to do it for the same reason you don’t want people sniffing your ass as you walk up the stairs. Thanks for being in my world, I’m glad you’re here.

  3. I usually feel like the second guy, paraniod the first guy thinks I’m staring at him bum. I usually just look at my feet or my phone… “Dude, I’m not checking out your butt!!!”

  4. I love this so much….totally makes since. Okay here is what’s real inside of me. I am deeply touched when I read your post but struggle to make words match how I feel inside so I choose to say nothing. That is lame and I’ll stop doing that. I know this for sure….you need to write for the rest of your life. Please don’t stop. Your words are real and they matter to me.
    Ps….it’s working by the way. When you talk about JAX it somehow tatoo’s his life on my heart. Wether it’s a fun story or how much you miss him….all of it keeps his life going on inside of me. That is why I’m begging you to please…just keep writing.

    • Ummm…this is Carla. I’m not trying to be mysterious…I just don’t know how to get my name in the spot where it says anonymous. I’ll ask Scott to help me when he gets home;)

  5. Love the picture! I’m always thinking the person behind me is watching just how much my butt jiggles as I walk up any amount of stairs. Self-conscious I think is my middle name. The people that I am most envious of are those people who flaunt all their lumps and bumps in tight spandex mini skirts. I want just an ounce of their self-love. We may think it’s inappropriate and all of the other words we think in our heads but to them they look damn good. I wish one day I will not care about the muffin top or the cellulite. I do realize that they are so many other things to worry about in this world but hey, we always know they is room for improvement when it comes to our looks.
    As far as you being sad, it is totally expected. I love they fact that you are writing down your thoughts, no matter how random they are. If this gets you some sort of relief in this hard process, even if it’s for the hour you work on it, then it is worth it. So please keep these posts coming.

  6. well, so many thoughts racing…I’m usually hoping that someone’s not thinking, that girl has an ugly ass…just being honest. Not ever concerned about the smell…but now you got me worried.

    I don’t usually, but today I actually feel depressed, so your post is hitting me with a lot of empathy…I don’t have words to say about it, just that. I know what I’m going through isn’t what you’ve gone through but I feel as if I’m near to a death that I can’t really talk about. (yet anyway)

    I love you Seth and your posts really matter. Like the anonymous poster said before I always read them and love them but then don’t know what to say. You come with such a raw honesty that any kind of fluff or bullshit won’t fly, so it’s either get real or shut up.

    What you are doing is valuable to all of us! It cuts to the real and makes us face pain in the face.

    Thanks Seth. I’ve always wondered what was in your head. 🙂

  7. Thank you so much for continuing to write! I can’t imagine the courage it takes to do this, I’m just grateful you have it. I look foreword to every new blog post and love all the things I’m learning about you, your family and especially Jax!!

  8. I’m sitting on the train on the way home from work not able to hold back the tears. I guess that’s why I never comment, other than a like or share on Facebook, because I’m afraid of becoming an emotional wreck. At the same time, I have to be ok with that and let the tears come. Jax will always be my special boy.

    Thank you for sharing your gift of writing and the gift of Jax with all of us. I still remember when you got an award for an article in the Daily Titan. I was very impressed. Still am.

    As far as being self conscious, my issue is weight. Especially since people ask if I’m pregnant. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve recently lost weight and my fat belly is more pronounced, but two women recently asked me. That’s right. Women.

  9. As a woman, I have never worried that someone was sniffing my rear…but…here is where my insecurity comes in…I am sure that they are looking at my “big ol’ butt”…not that it is huge…but, hey…I am a woman!!!

    And as for the rest…breath in, breath out…write a post…share…we all have “stuff”, not the same as yours and I am not saying I know how you feel…I don’t…but it helps me to know that I am not the only one concentrating on the next breath…and succeeding.

  10. Just wanted to give a group thank you for commenting and sharing. The response has been awesome and the vulnerability you’ve shown has been inspiring. Thanks!

  11. I’ve struggled with depression for 1/2 if not most of my life. I am also Bi-polar and suffer from PTSD. When I say I feel you, I do! I know what it’s like to not be able to, or want to get out of bed. Looking at your kids playing can sometimes make you a bit angry which is really Hurt. Shame is a big one. Why being human is so hard. I have also turned to drinking and that did not end up well, if I can give one peice of advice: try not to go down the drinking/drugs rabbit hole it only makes it worse. Be addicted to exersize, or church if you have an addictive personality. Jax touched our family, and is often on our minds and always in our hearts. Keep up with the meds, even when you think you got it. I’ve gone on and off meds, and finally get it. Our brains are different and need to be treated, just like someone with diabetes. It’s just a different organ. Sending love to your family. Don’t be so hard on yourself your a good looking guy….you nabbed Kristina and she is gorgeous, not to mention your adorable kids

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