In an attempt to rationalize my need to watch more baseball at home, my agent is in talks with the site Bugs & Cranks to secure a writing position that will involve jock itch, pats on the butt and dick jokes. FOX Sports senior writer Ken Rosenthal is reporting, according to sources familiar with the situation, that a deal is expected as early as one second after this is posted.

Per the site’s about section:

Bugs & Cranks is your source for oddball baseball news and offbeat analysis. Founded in 2006, Bugs & Cranks has become one of the Internet’s most popular baseball destinations. Humor, analysis, interviews and opinion;  if it’s baseball, Bugs & Cranks has something to say about it.

I think I’ll fit in pretty well. The site’s footer indicates it is part of the USA Today Sports Media Group. I have no idea how that relationship works, but I hope their Human Resources department is properly staffed to deal with my arrival.

Mad Men has ruined me. I demand decanters filled with brown booze, clean tumbler glasses and bucket constantly stocked with ice in my new office. I want a secretary who will block the editorial staff from entering my office so I can think(nap) about new story ideas. And I want to refer to female staff as toots, babe and honey. You know, like how our grandpas used to do business.

At some point I’ll figure out what the hell Bugs & Cranks means and get back to you. I tried Urban Dictionary but it didn’t offer any clarity. definition definition

cranks definition

I suppose it’ll be addressed in orientation. Of note, don’t read the first definition of Cranks. Whatever you do. Don’t read it.

In the meantime, know that I have several story ideas kicking around for this site that I’m working on. So keep clicking this site. Keep following on Facebook and Twitter. And have a good f’ing weekend.